4 years later

 Hello there again!

After so long yea? I'm writing here because i feel like i wanna express something to nobody. My last post was 2018 and 4 years later... time flies. I am now working at a private clinic. Things has been great and I'm glad i made that choice to resign from KKM and made my spot here with a better salary and better working environment. Im currently on 2 months MC, just had an operation 2 weeks ago. It was tougher back in 2018 without my family in Jordan, so i guess this is nothing compared to what i experienced in the past. Having my husband and my family around Alhamdulillah i couldn't be more thankful. So yeah, i got married on Sept 2020 (covid year!) but guess what, we are still doing ldr. Funny right? 2 years of LDR with my husband i learned so many things although it has been really tough. I cry every time he has to go back to johor and that never stop. After so many years we've been in ldr even before marriage, he finally told me 1 week ago that he will permanently back in KL next month. I couldnt be more happier, ofcourse. So many things happened this year so yeah that made me feel like i wanna write this post. I did my lasik surgery on Jan, sinus surgery March and one major surgery Nov this year. I guess everybody has their own obstacles in life. So yeah cheer up! Sometimes you need a breakdown to have a breakthrough..

Ciao

As cliché as it may sound

Relationship.

It still fresh in my mind the day i first met him. We were in the same school but never once i took a glance on him until he posted a status on my facebook wall end of 2011. Shared almost everything related to school & studies as he began to help me and kept giving me advices on how to excel in academics. Well yeah I screwed up my form 4 bc i took part in so many sports event that i skipped classes i barely did homework on my own (i copied my friend). He passed all his notes and he kept giving me advices and supports through texts (well yeah i brought phone to asrama) who cares senior year haha. We were texting and I literally fell for him bit by bit until i met him for the first time when he came to school to take his spm result. That was the day I accepted him as my so-called partner after 4 months he waited for me bec I wasn't ready to be in a relationship lol. We were so in love eventho he wasn't there in the same school but I could always feel his existence (omg so cliche haha) Truth to be told, I managed to be on the stage as a straight A's student; he was one of the reason (I wanted to be there when i saw him stood on that same stage i did one year later)

Long distance relationship.

It all started when we both passed foundation in malaysia and both flew overseas to continue our studies. He has always been there for me witnessing every single thing that i went through. But you know, ldr has never been easy for me. The first year was really tough. I missed him a lot but I can't just go pay him a visit (canada needs a visa which I don't hv one). Every time we had a misunderstanding, he will always be that guy (the wiser one) who took all the blame instead pointing it on me. He was the one who would say 'let's talk about this slowly' 'let's not making it complicated' 'I'll always choose you no matter what' 'it's ok to make mistake, let's not repeat the same mistake again' and many more. No one is perfect, every one has their own lack or weaknesses. As years goes by, things are just going with the flow nothing changes. Right until this moment, he is the same exact guy i knew 6 years ago. He never changes (except physically haha). He will always be the guy who would do everything he can just to make this relationship better each day. We fought for the smallest thing but we never once had a break up or something. 6 years not even once. You know why? Because of him. There were times i felt like giving up on our relationship, when things get really complicated and i became to hate ldr so much. It sucks, difficult, complicated and we might just fight and arguing just bec we missed each other. Solving a problem with your partner while he is hundred thousands miles away isn't easy but he made it easier. 

Today is our 7th anniversary

I love him so much ❤️

complicated

it is, and it has always been

i don't know how to say this but,

i wish things could be easier

LDR

I don’t think you know how hard it is. As a matter of fact, i don’t think anyone knows. To love someone who lives so far away. To miss him so bad that you want to stop what you’re doing and run to him. It’s like everything reminds you of him. Everything. No matter how long it’s been, how far away, you’re still reminded of him. It hurts and aches and it feels like cold seeps into your bones whenever you’re alone at night and you can’t sleep. You just want him there. It’s worse when there’s time zones. Waiting endlessly. Not knowing if he’s with another person while you’re waiting. Waiting for him. Not knowing if the feelings are ebbing away. However there’s something even more worse, knowing that i love him so much, and i miss him so much, but there’s nothing i can do except for waiting. Knowing that i can’t have him with me, that’s the hardest part.

I know he’s not gonna read this, that’s for sure 😂
I’ve been thinking about this several times and i just feel like writing this in my post. I’ve been struggling with the same problems for the past 4 years haha. I’m just glad we’re still together. I’m glad that i have him. Every problems that we had, solved by him. I almost gave up but he made me not to. It may be hard, for everything that i am struggling right now, it will all be worth it in shaa Allah.

except you.

have you ever felt like you are never good enough?

that someone had received the handbook of life except you?

two weeks of my 'true summer holiday' i realize i need to do something and told myself that i need to change to someone better. a better version of me.

i eventually realize i look at all the small failures and make them bigger than they actually are. its a mindset that i used to think and blame myself for that tiny little mistake. i kept blaming myself for not achieving the same level as how others did. and the most ironic thing i discovered is that those things i thought were my biggest imperfection are actually my greatest gift.

people often said about the fear of failure. but, after thinking of what I've been doing for the past years i am not afraid of failure. in fact, i made myself clear that i wont fail but at the end i failed. but, failure isn't gonna define your future. remember 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

sometimes i just have to accept failure as an inevitable challenge that i would have to face every once in a while in my life. you're not gonna always be at the top all the time isn't it? true it was a painful experience, but it helped me to do better in the future. so that i am aware of the mistakes that i did that cause me the failure and repair those mistakes and not to do it again in the future.

there are times when i blame myself and i can't accept the fact that i gave my best but i failed. but the truth is, i have to accept that all my attempts to achieve an aim were unsuccessful not failed. it is better if i tried but failed and i overcome the failure and turned it into a success or regret not to have tried at all or regret to stay on the ground after a failure.

it's my life. my choice. my decision.

say Hi to final year!

hello there as the title said, welcome to the final year of Dentistry! omg omg omg i can't believe i made it to the final year which is the fifth year of dentistry. happy huh? yes of course i am. went through hell to get here. Alhamdulillah for the chance, i am truly grateful!

anyway i know my blog is lame. who uses blog nowadays.. haha i just want to keep track of my life bc i find it interesting every time i read my 3 year old entry...

so yeah i just feel like writing a post. its been awhile since my laptop had a problem which it still has and my mum bought me a new one. here i am typing on my new laptop haha lol. so.... i will be starting my class next week i have like a few days before i have to go through hell again. i can't count how many times have i cried, how i struggled those years just to be here just to survived 4 years of dental school and i know 5th year is not gonna be easier either, tougher instead. gotta be prepared. i really hope what i have studied for the past years remains fresh in my mind that i could apply everything clinically. still remember nagging over how dreadful my second year was, never would i have known it gets tougher each year.

as years goes by, i realize one important thing that i have to keep in my mind; stop comparing myself with other people. it doesn't matter in what terms, just stop doing so. because that was what I've been doing the past years. that was what lead me to depression, sadness and disappointments. i kept comparing myself with how lucky those people are how happy how how how why why why not me. i kept asking Him why me, why not her, why her why not me. i knew it was wrong but i kept doing the same thing because i thought He would consider..... and of course he wouldn't if kita tak bersyukur for the things that we have. why do we have to compare ourselves with those who have more? instead compare your lucky self with those who have less.

no matter how many times you failed, remember failure is the  pillar to success. i am thankful for my struggle, because without it i wouldn't have stumbled across my strength. without it, i wouldn't have made it this far. another tough year huh? let's do it!

Salam Ramadhan,

The truth is, things aren't going to be exactly the way we planned, the way we wanted. Because His plan is the best one.

Too many things happened for the past few weeks. I received a lot of news i got rejected and i failed to achieved something i wanted to. Too many things to be handled, I literally lost myself for a few weeks. Though i know i can actually go through this but there are times when i feel completely lost and I don't want to face any of this, anymore.

With me, being far away from home, hardly receives loves and supports from family which i need the most right now. I know I shouldn't be complaining in this Holy month of Ramadhan

I'm writing this hoping that one day, I'll be reading this post back and tell myself I actually did it.

Nothing is ever easy. That's the truth 😭😭😭

Sigh, i miss my family

Last year during this time, i had the chance to puasa, terawikh and raya with my family. But not this year as we hv summer semester before and after eid. One thing i miss the most is to solat jemaah hug them ask for forgiveness kiss their cheeks and pray for them every kisses on their forehead (now im crying). Homesick teruk no kidding setahun lebih dah tak balik. Im struggling real hard right now. Little did i know, studying overseas could be this challenging..

One and a half year left, Gotta do this!

May Allah shower us with everlasting happiness and blessings. Aamiin.

cheer up a lil bit

Life is so full of ups and downs but after all those unexpected obstacles, He gives you ease.

Life is not all rainbows and butterflies. It can be tough sometimes. And you’ve paid a heavy price to get this far, so the best option is to really make it count by moving forward from where you are. Free yourself from the world’s negativity :)

Promise to fight back, to fight harder, to laugh louder and longer and slap adversity back into its seat whenever it dares to stand against you. Promise to be a force to be reckoned with because you are a force to be reckoned with.

Most importantly, I will not let any thing or any situation permanently steal my smile

Good Morning! Currently facing my finals, pray for me! :)

it feels like yesterday

hi!

i bet no one is reading my post anyway but i feel like writing

it's been 3 years studying here and i am already in my clinical year. 1 year (approx.) i will be graduating, in shaa Allah. can you believe that? i cant believe myself either. ive been complaining yet still surviving. what i am going through these years might be the beginning of my career later on and it can be harder than this. trust yourself syaza. look around you, you're just one lucky girl.

alhamdulillah as for what i have now, i couldnt feel thankful enough despite the ups and downs during clinics, difficulties searching for patients as it is not easy to handle local ppl here, got mad by the doctors in front of your groupmates, and many more i cant list everything tho haha. i found myself even more interested in dentist when i start my clinical practice. its not easy yeah but nothing is easy dude, you just need to work your ass off to get what you want isnt it.

i am 22 anyway. wow it feels like yesterday i took my spm result, tadaaaaaa 5 years has gone just in seconds. hoping for a better year in 2017 and improve my skill to be a better dentist in the future. may Allah ease everything, goodluck dearself, keep going!

why

Hmmm.

I just need time for myself. Idk why..

I hate many things that happen for the past weeks.

I feel like giving up.

I need support and encouragement from my friends but i couldn't get one.

I've been facing the same problems for three years. How did i managed to go through my spm years? Sigh. A lot of things is taking over my mind rn. I just want to go home and lend my mum's shoulder to cry on. i always ask myself, why me? Then i ask again, why me whom Allah has given a chance to live, when I've done so many terrible things in my life towards Him. I don't deserve everything i have right now. I don't even deserve to do what i am doing right now. Sometimes i feel like everything is unfair. Why I didn't get what others get why do i have to face difficulties others didn't why i need to do extra while others get it easily. Why and why and never stop.

Urgh

Stop it

You need to stop